Humor

Family / Humor / food — No Comments
31
Jul 10

The downside

I tagged this as “funny” even though I don’t find it entirely amusing because if I didn’t keep a sense of humor about it I would be a wreck.

This right here is the downside of being married to an obsessed fisherman who loves his dog. I just opened the fridge up and was overpowered by smells of the sea. Smells that were permeating all the other foods in the fridge. Smells that were emanating from the bowl (unwrapped) of fish skin (saved from today’s catch to dole out to the dog as treats over the next couple of days) placed on the bottom shelf of the fridge. I love fish. I love my husband. I even love my dog. But this? This I do not love.

It is now contained.

Humor / every day life — No Comments
30
Jul 10

The announcement

“MOM! Did you hear that?” Anna calls from the bathroom just now.

“No, hear what?” I hollered back.

“My fart! I did that!” (proudly).

“Umm…congratulations?” I reply.

Humor / every day life — 1 Comment
28
Jul 10

Goodbye old friend

Here lay the shredded remains of my favorite flannel pajama pants, much beloved these last several years. Purchased for cheap in a post Christmas sale from my arch nemesis (old navy, with whom I have a love/hate relationship–the clothes sorely tempt me but rarely hold up to the quality standards I would prefer), you nonetheless provided me with many, many nights (and, okay, let’s be honest, DAYS) of comfort and coziness. You defied those that strove to define you as simply another seasonal clothing article–flying reindeers be damned–you marched to the beat of your own drummer and made yourself available and attractive for wearing season after season, winter, spring, summer and fall. You kept me warm when camping. You made me feel less bloated when I was having “one of those days.”

Never a fashion maven, you still projected a certain image, one of comfort rather than slovenliness, even on the mornings that I wore you to dash out to roll the garbage cans to the curb. You didn’t shrink away from the neighbors, but called out, here I am! I am blue reindeer flannel pajama pants and I am not ashamed!

Today when I pulled you from the dryer I knew–just KNEW–that it was time to say goodbye. I have been keeping you here, though your destiny calls, though your elastic waistband is all but useless. I release you onto the great unknown. I grant you the freedom to live on in the way that you find most comfortable now, in the rag pile. I promise to think of you fondly as I mop up spills and clean windows and wooden furniture, because you, dear pajama pants, mean more to me than any old pit-stained former tshirt rag could ever mean.

Farewell, dear friend. May you find comfort and happiness in what lies beyond.

Family / Humor / Marriage — 1 Comment
27
Jul 10

Happy 34th

This is the fifteenth (15??!!!??!?!) birthday of yours that we have celebrated together and, damn Babe!, you keep getting finer every year. Like a fine wine, you are. I love you, my younger man. Here’s to many more: many more years, many more tears, and, most definitely and beyond a doubt, many more laughs!

P.S. Nice hat.

Family / Humor — 1 Comment
26
Jul 10

Ms. Bossy Pants delivers her parenting advice

Anna takes her job as the most responsible person (her perception) in the house extremely seriously. Just now, Adam and I are sitting here on the couch in the living room talking in low murmurs as Anna plays (grrr, should be sleeping) in her room. She calls out, just a moment ago:

“Mom?”

“What?”

“You should go to sleep because you are going to be a little bit tired in the morning if you don’t get some sleep now. You should go to bed now. I’m in bed!”

“Thanks. I appreciate your concern.”

“Yes, because tomorrow is Daddy’s birthday–it’s a big day–and you don’t want to be a little bit tired so you should go to bed. Why aren’t you and Daddy in your bed?’

“Good night, Anna.”

“Why not?”

“Because we are grown ups and you are a kid and kids need more sleep than grown ups. Plus, it isn’t your job to have to be in charge of me. You don’t have to worry about me and my sleep, just worry about yourself and go to sleep.”

“Ok. Good night, Mom and Dad.”

(both of us, slightly exasperated and definitely weary): “Good Night, Anna.”

Humor / Parenting — 5 Comments
19
Jul 10

It’s a hairy situation

Dear Internets,

My daughter recently dropped my favorite hairbrush into the toilet (no, not on accident, but that’s a different story). How do I go about cleaning it? And, most importantly, will I ever be comfortable using this hairbrush on my own hair ever again, regardless of how well I clean it????

Kind Regards,

Flushed in Santa Barbara

Humor — 1 Comment
28
Jun 10

Hello, hello?

Humor — 5 Comments
27
Jun 10

Maybe you had to be there

Fantastic conversation had by Adam and I in the car yesterday. It began with a discussion of Adam’s hobbies and the expense incurred therein. We were talking about Adam kind of wanting a new road bike and how crazy expensive they are….and that led to talking about fishing expeditions and pig hunting (? He’s crazy) and all the other stuff he likes to do.

(Me): “You know….there really isn’t anything, anything at all, that I do that is as expensive as any single one of your hobbies.”

(Adam, deadpan): “Except your chemo.”

(Me, deadpan back): “I don’t really consider that a hobby of mine.”

Maybe you had to be there. It was funny. Really funny. (And you should know that we’ve thought it over and decided that keeping me alive is a pretty good way to spend our cash. Even though we’d rather use it to buy stuff).

Humor — 8 Comments
23
Jun 10

“When I grow up”

Today, apropos of nothing except that I was standing near her, Anna looked over at me, smiling and said, “Someday, I’m gonna be a grownup!”

“That’s right, honey, you sure are!”

“Yeah! I’m getting bigger and bigger every day!”

“Yep!”

“And when I’m a grownup lady, I’m going to have a big butt, just like you!”

(As I shake with silent laughter, the kind that hurts it is so funny)

“Do you think that my butt is big, Anna?”

“Yes! I like it! I like your big butt and someday I’m gonna be a Mama with a big butt, too! And also I will drive a car, but not a silver car like yours. Mine’s gonna be a pink car.”

Hmmm. Wonder if I need to work on my Buns of Steel. Maybe cut back on cake consumption? How big is my rear end?

Family / Humor / Parenting / every day life — 1 Comment
22
Jun 10

Little Squirrel

So yesterday Anna and I made our way to Nordstrom to see if there were any shirts in Adam’s size left (sale started last week and, yes, I fell behind schedule in this one) and I was mortified when she started stuffing men’s socks down her shirt and telling me (within earshot of the very lovely saleswoman) that we should take them home but that we didn’t need to pay for them.

“Oh, honey, ha ha ha” (nervous laughter) “you know that we always have to pay for things from stores, right?”

“No! We just take them!”

I started feeling a little bit like I had to explain a couple of things to the woman who was digging through the size 15 1/2s, searching for the intersection of the very, very specific instructions that I had from Adam [Nordstrom brand, trim fit, Smartcare, and NO PINK. In other words, don't push any cheaper shirts--we want quality over price point, my man is skinny, my man doesn't want to wield an iron and neither do I, and although he is confident in his manhood, pink men's dress shirts still make both of us think of the '80's. And not in a good way.]

And so I had to explain how Anna is really, really into hiding things right now. That I swear, upon this stack of very expensive ties, that I have never, ever shoplifted anything. That her new nickname at home is “The Squirrel” because she’s been squirreling every little thing away. Old gum wrappers, napkins from last night’s dinner, Adam’s sunglasses* (again and again! and in the oddest places!). Whenever we can’t find something we absolutely know we just set down somewhere, or whenever we find an oddity hidden away in something (a toothbrush hidden in a toilet paper tube, hidden in my rainboot. No, seriously.), we roll our eyes and say to each other, “looks like The Squirrel has been squirreling again!” Hands raised in a gesture of defeat. That Darned Squirrel.

Also, I felt compelled to remark on her egregiously contrarian nature, especially when she continued to insist that the pink gingham checked shirt (really, Nordstrom? What are you thinking? Those shirts are just awful) was the one that her Daddy really, really wanted. If she had had her very own American Express goldcard, that shirt would sooooo have come home with us. To her dismay (and Adam’s relief, I am sure) it did not. And neither did the socks she kept stuffing down her shirt.

*Speaking of sunglasses–Adam! I found yours, the new Smiths, just now when I was looking for a knitting needle. They were stuffed into one of my knitting bags. Wrapped, oh so carefully, in a pink playsilk. I’m pretty sure that I didn’t do it. I wonder who in the world….

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