Today is a Cancer Center day. Last night I couldn’t sleep. Sleep is too far away these “nights before.” In the days in between treatments and tests, I can live much as I did in my B.C. (before cancer) days: I can go hours and hours without thinking about illness and death. This month, these days? It is right there. It is too close. For all the healthy outlooks and positive thinking and fingers crossed, it is right here, right in front of my face.
My doctor was talking recently about how denial can serve us well, when faced with a life threatening disease. In general, I am not a fan of denial. But here….I thought a lot about this. Denial (in the in-between times, the times that I do not have to be thinking about my cancer) helps keep me back from the edge. It softens things enough so that I am not in a constant state of panic, so that I can sleep. This month, though? The month wherein I visit the Cancer Center no less than 6 times? I cannot deny that it is there. I do live in a near-constant state of panic. I can’t sleep.
So much hangs on these tiny cells in my body. Will they or won’t they? Do I or don’t I? Will I or won’t I? It’s too close.
house of waffles.