every day life « house of waffles

Posts Tagged: every day life

Doing it all by herself

It scares me, sometimes. “I do it myself, Mama!” she exclaims. So many things she does herself. Always growing, growing, growing. Becoming her own person: her own breathtakingly beautiful, pinkalicious self.

I didn’t think I would let my three year old play with these “beauty products” at such a young age. It seemed too early. It seemed inappropriate. I see now that it is all part of the endless role play, just like pretending to be a queen or a monster or a mommy or anything else. Trying it all on for size.

Doing it herself. Doing it her way. Even if it means ending up with uneven, gloopy-polished nails. It’s all still beautiful to me.

every day life — 1 Comment
18
Aug 10

Faces

every day life — 2 Comments
10
Aug 10

The Bright Side

I just typed out a whole long ugly whiney thing that I just cannot bear to publish. Instead you get this. The bright side of life:

My hair is so long and thick and luxurious now that I actually have a for-real hairdo, not just post-chemo shortie wanna-be hair.

No. Evidence of. Disease. (NED is what us cancer folks call it when we have a clean scan) = remission. This is good stuff. The best of the best.

Did NOT lose my cool today when Anna yelled at me (on two separate occasions) that I was NOT her Mommy anymore. Also, did not break her things. Progress.

Adam and I are going away this week. Overnight and everything! To celebrate being married and our love and blah blah blah. Upshot is this: wine and wine and wine and oh, also maybe that thing that two people who love each other very much get to do with each other. None of these things involve children screaming SHUT UP at us. Very Very Excited.

My iPhone. I love that darned thing. E-mail anywhere! Directions! Internet! Pandora! It’s a veritable carnival in my purse all day, every day. All this for less than $100/month. Totally worth it.

Today Anna and I ran errands and she was totally dressed in her princess costume, tiara and all (well with flip flops, but I nixed the Cinderella “glass slippers” as that just seemed like a bad idea) and it just made my day to see the smiles that she left in her wake as she pranced through Trader Joe’s and Michael’s Craft Store. A ray of sunshine, she is (when not provoked).

A cool summer = not having to sleep with a fan blowing directly on my body. It is so pleasantly wonderful, somehow, to go to bed with all the windows open but to still need a down comforter. In August. I know, I know, some of you here in Santa Barbara are mourning the lack of sunshine but I’m kind of liking the Summer of Fog. I have yet to get that icky sticky feeling that happens when it’s so hot and you’re wearing shorts and everything is sticking to you and…yuck. Fog is better.

Homemade tomato soup, with tomatoes picked this morning and roasted this afternoon. Duh-LISHous! (as Anna says).

I am hoping that you will find your own personal bright side, too, even if you start out, the way I did, feeling hopelessly exhausted and depressed and useless. It’s there. I promise.

Family / every day life — 2 Comments
4
Aug 10

Viva La Fiesta 2010 Edition

I love Fiesta (okay, more properly called “Old Spanish Days” but known by locals simply as “La Fiesta” or just “Fiesta”). Not just because it is a week-long excuse for the entire city of Santa Barbara to shut down and party, but because it is a tradition. Oh, how I love and live for traditions!

Tonight, as we walked back to our car from the Mission, confetti in our hair, sounds of Mariachi drifting alongside us, the crush of humanity all around, smells of tacos and churros in the air, I thought this thought, “This will be years and years of happy memories for Anna! THIS!” I love that: to know that we are creating something that she can turn over in her mind’s eye. The sights, smells, foods that she will remember with nostalgia. The activities and events and places that she will carry on forever in her heart.

Good friends, as there always are.

The sun shining down on us as we chow on Mexican food, as always.

And the fog drifted in, as it always does and we turned for home, tired and content, knowing that this is just the beginning.

Viva La Fiesta!

Family / every day life — 2 Comments
3
Aug 10

Lucky

Once upon a time, Adam and I decided to get a dog. Adam ran into a poster of someone who had some Akita puppies. We looked them up (in my admittedly shaky memory of this, it was at a bookstore, thumbing through books about various dog breeds) and were hooked. Gloriously beautiful dog with showy looks? Check. Big, huggable “real” dog (sorry to all those purse sized dog owners out there, but I prefer a dog I can really get my arms around and squeeze. Also, less yippiness). Check. Loyal? Check. Excellent intruder prevention? Double check.

She came home with us when she was just eight weeks old. She has been a constant in our lives ever since.

Not only does she have all those qualities that we were hoping for, she also does this crazy Akita dance when she is really happy or excited (runs in circles and chases her tail like a puppy). She gets crazy eyes when she is feeling mischevious. She has certain people that she adores beyond reason and won’t leave alone (luckily, most of them adore her, too). She is just as big and cuddly and beautiful as ever, even at 11 years old.

As much as I complain about the bad stuff (and she certainly had had her fair share of annoying, messy, loud, obnoxious, and otherwise terrible dog behavior), we sure do love this big ol’ Teddy bear. It wouldn’t be the same without her around, underfoot in the kitchen or snoring in the hallway.

That’s our Lucky Girl!

Humor / every day life — No Comments
30
Jul 10

The announcement

“MOM! Did you hear that?” Anna calls from the bathroom just now.

“No, hear what?” I hollered back.

“My fart! I did that!” (proudly).

“Umm…congratulations?” I reply.

Family / every day life — 2 Comments
20
Jul 10

My new nickname

Anna has taken to calling me “Mint Chip.” I have no idea why.

(Her Daddy is the one who takes her out for ice cream.)

She has also been telling me frequently–many times a day–that I am her very, very favorite. Favorite what? Favorite everything, she says.

every day life — 1 Comment
6
Jul 10

34th Birthday, take two

Had more fun than I thought possible today, despite the fact that the beginning of the day was conspiring against me (female troubles, RAIN?????!!!!, late to get Anna to school)…..the rest of the day was gravy: long walk with Adam on the (drizzly but still gorgeous) beach, coffee, lunch on the sand, afternoon run, snuggles around a fire (seriously, I cannot remember a single birthday of mine in my entire LIFE that was this chilly!), then dinner out.

Oh! Plus! I got presents!

Somehow I kinda sorta forgot (forgot? is this a sign of my advanced age?) about the presents thing. I mean…I knew there might be presents. But it was SO not my focus this year (I mean, not like when I was a kid and I could hardly sleep for the excitement of waking up in the morning to New Stuff) that it felt like a really incredibly amazing special surprise to see things that people picked out for me, just for me, just to celebrate me! Pretty cool.

My mom and Adam totally weirded me out by both, independently of each other, buying me the exact same thing (heart shaped waffle iron). The present itself is not weird, no not at all (I’ve secretly been coveting one for a while to round out my waffle iron collection), it was just kind of bizarro that they would both get me the same thing. They love me enough to both know how much I would love that exact thing, I guess!

But, well, you know, it wasn’t all about the presents. I feel this year, more than any year in my life, that (sorry, cheesy writing alert) it is a gift to just be here. To be alive. What a gift! I felt a little teary today when I thanked my mom for giving birth to me 34 years ago. What a wondrous thing: to breathe, to move, to smell the damp earth and see the green things grow and feel the love of people around oneself. It’s the best thing I could think of, just to be here.

XO to all of you, my loved ones. I’m lucky to know you.

Cancer / every day life — 3 Comments
5
Jul 10

Thirty Four

Tomorrow I turn thirty four. A respectable age, I’d like to think. One that puts me well beyond childhood, transplanted firmly into the place where I can reasonably be expected to have at least some of my shit together.

I think I’m doing all right? Am I doing all right?

Well. I’m not thrilled to have my upcoming scan. I would be lying if I were to tell you that it’s no big thing. I almost gave myself a panic attack today, just thinking about it. I mean…..Kenny and I were diagnosed with the same kind of cancer around the same time. We achieved remission. His came back and then he died. Do you see how this might give me pause? How of course it’s the optimistic thing to think, “oh, mine will stay away! Of course it will!” because the sequence of events these last couple of weeks has put the other side of things to close to my face, so close that I can’t close my eyes without flashes, like something from a horror film, of this or that or the other thing. The not-optimistic thing. The thing that spells out my fear. The thing that says that they’re not just scanning me for fun, that I can’t just go out there in the world and pretend like none of this happened because it did happen and it is happening and it could continue to happen in a very real, very bad way.

See? Just a little bit panicked.

But. My life is currently much too awesome to get stuck in that entirely so I’m fighting it. I really am enjoying these currently enjoyable moments because they are that good. Because I like my family, I like my friends, I like good food, I like my little house. And so long as I can keep the existential worry at bay–or, at the very least, don’t let it consume me entirely–everything is pretty much okay.

That’s just pretty much honestly exactly where I am.

I am Jennifer Anne Johnson Gray and I am (almost) 34 years old. I am a wife and a mother and a daughter and a sister and an aunt and a friend. I had cancer and I am still here. I am here!

I’m mourning the death of my uncle. I’m living in fear of my cancer coming back. But, most of all, I’m living my life–I’m eating and drinking and running and hugging and singing and crying and taking a big old huge fistful of life and drawing it to me like a security blanket, holding it up to my chest and stroking it, over and over, to ground myself, to help me remember that I am here now. That’s all I’ve got: I’m here now.

Family / every day life — 1 Comment
1
Jul 10