Posts Tagged: health

Cancer — 3 Comments
16
Jul 10

Contrite

Sometimes the universe conspires to show you that perhaps you need to take a second look at your attitude. Yesterday, directly after I hit publish on that last entry, I bumped into the woman in question, who wholeheartedly and sweetly invited us to a social gathering. She went out of her way to do this, to invite me specifically. And I felt like the universe gave me a nice, swift kick in the rear.

I almost pulled my last entry down. That’s how bad I felt about maligning her and her good intentions. Damn my insecurities and frustrations: she was only trying to help. It doesn’t necessarily make it right–I do genuinely wish that people would learn the appropriate things to say and not to say when talking about so called “delicate topics,” but….still.

I am not going to delete that entry because it still stands as the way that I was feeling in the moment, but let the record show that I am feeling contrite. That I see that forgiveness is the better path, that sometimes you just need to let it all roll off your back, smile, and let it go.

Plus, as I lay in my acupuncturist’s office yesterday, having cupping done to my back, I started giggling at the absurdity of me being offended by alternative therapies. Ha! It’s not like I haven’t done my fair share of things that some people consider a bit “out there.” I do still heartily believe in modern medicine, but there are a lot of things out there that may certainly be complementary and supportive of physical health in general. I don’t know that I would rely on them for a “cure” (ok, I do know, I would not), but that’s not to say that I haven’t tried them or wouldn’t be willing to. My acupuncturist wants me to give up cane sugar. Oh, SUGAR! Damn. Raw foods, here I come (j/k).

Ok, enough for now.

Love, love, love. Still working on practicing what I preach. XO

P.S. Thanks, to those who commented, on your loving support. I honestly cannot tell you how good it felt to read those words. : )

Cancer / Family / every day life — 2 Comments
7
Jul 10

Today I have a case of the crazies

Ever have one of those days where it drags on so long and so painfully that you think that something has happened in the space/time continuum? Like, maybe somehow TWO bad days have been compressed into one day?

It might have something to do with the lack of sleep last night. No matter how sternly I scold myself for doing this, no matter how absolutely dreadfully not calming and not sleep-inducing this is, I still persist in googling cancer related facts and articles and all manner of frightening things late at night sometimes when I cannot sleep. Usually just prior to a scan. Because I am crazy, that is why.

I think that something deep inside of me is thinking that maybe if I keep searching I will come across that elusive website out there, the one devoted to explaining and predicting my entire life, including cancer status, disease progression, lifetimes of loved ones, etc. You know, the basics. For my edification. Wouldn’t that be nifty? I keep looking but I haven’t come across it yet.

I was trying to do a million things today: write, make phone calls, email, and all manner of assorted and sundry various things that kept me in my pajamas until (embarrassing!) 11 am. All the while, my tiny warlord conspired to keep my away from all my Very Important Activities by continually climbing on my lap, shouting during important phone calls and whining and requiring all manner of care. Yes, it’s my job to take care of her but I swear to you that Anna was being especially needy today. I felt….exasperated. Yes, that is exactly it. Exasperated in the way that you feel when there is the tiny bubble of laughter that forms in the back of your throat when you think about how ridiculous that it is that you are trying to call your doctor regarding your Very Important Scan while your daughter is screaming “MAMA COME WIPE ME NOW! RIGHT NOW!” and you realize that it is all faintly ridiculous, the idea that stay-at-home Moms have all this free time. Exasperated also in the sort of way that keeps your fondness for the irritating habits of your beloved child at the forefront: I could still think to myself, despite the inconvenience, that, GEEZ, is she ever cute! as she creates enormous messes requiring massive cleanup effort on my part. Really, I am not being sarcastic. I think that Anna is so adorable that I sometimes have to make myself get all stern because otherwise I melt at the perfection of her squeaky little voice.

Swimming lesson went well today. She is slowly getting used to the idea of being on her back in the water (previously a big fear for her). Despite the fact that she repeatedly told me, throughout the day, starting from breakfast time, that she did NOT want to go to swim lesson and she would NOT go, not EVER EVER EVER, she did just great when I handed her over to her teacher. Boy, was I ever glad that she did not make good on her threat to hit her teacher (no, seriously, she really told me that at lunch, that if I made her go to swim lesson she would hit Rachel. “I hope you won’t really do that,” I replied, looking her straight in the eye).

Everything feels so crazy right now. I kind of want to fastforward a little bit to the part where things are a bit more slowed down and mellow. Can I hope for that? I can also spin all sorts of fantastical maladventures regarding my in-the-air cancer status. I have refused to allow Adam to make plans regarding either (a) travel or (b) kitchen remodel, until after I get the results of these scans because I can’t go there until I get it in my head that we aren’t headed into another storm that we have to brace ourselves against.

Tomorrow: scan. Friday: blood draw and (hopefully) preliminary scan results. Then it is a whirlwind of family and activities because of Kenny’s upcoming memorial service and (gulp) oh, yeah, another few visits to the Cancer Center.

Cancer / every day life — 3 Comments
5
Jul 10

Thirty Four

Tomorrow I turn thirty four. A respectable age, I’d like to think. One that puts me well beyond childhood, transplanted firmly into the place where I can reasonably be expected to have at least some of my shit together.

I think I’m doing all right? Am I doing all right?

Well. I’m not thrilled to have my upcoming scan. I would be lying if I were to tell you that it’s no big thing. I almost gave myself a panic attack today, just thinking about it. I mean…..Kenny and I were diagnosed with the same kind of cancer around the same time. We achieved remission. His came back and then he died. Do you see how this might give me pause? How of course it’s the optimistic thing to think, “oh, mine will stay away! Of course it will!” because the sequence of events these last couple of weeks has put the other side of things to close to my face, so close that I can’t close my eyes without flashes, like something from a horror film, of this or that or the other thing. The not-optimistic thing. The thing that spells out my fear. The thing that says that they’re not just scanning me for fun, that I can’t just go out there in the world and pretend like none of this happened because it did happen and it is happening and it could continue to happen in a very real, very bad way.

See? Just a little bit panicked.

But. My life is currently much too awesome to get stuck in that entirely so I’m fighting it. I really am enjoying these currently enjoyable moments because they are that good. Because I like my family, I like my friends, I like good food, I like my little house. And so long as I can keep the existential worry at bay–or, at the very least, don’t let it consume me entirely–everything is pretty much okay.

That’s just pretty much honestly exactly where I am.

I am Jennifer Anne Johnson Gray and I am (almost) 34 years old. I am a wife and a mother and a daughter and a sister and an aunt and a friend. I had cancer and I am still here. I am here!

I’m mourning the death of my uncle. I’m living in fear of my cancer coming back. But, most of all, I’m living my life–I’m eating and drinking and running and hugging and singing and crying and taking a big old huge fistful of life and drawing it to me like a security blanket, holding it up to my chest and stroking it, over and over, to ground myself, to help me remember that I am here now. That’s all I’ve got: I’m here now.

Fitness/Health — 3 Comments
20
May 10

Run

I’ve been using the Nike Running program (along with the pedometer thingie that goes on your shoe and communicates to the iPhone via magic–these are all technical terms, by the way) and today when I logged my run from this morning it asked if I wanted to share this run on Facebook or Twitter. Ha. Ha. Hahahahahahahaha. No. No, I do not want the world to know how slow I run, thankyouverymuch. Maybe if I were awesomely fast or had crazy big miles but I do not need to share my measly little efforts with the world. I prefer to keep them to myself, alone. Or…maybe with a select few. But only if you are slow, too.

Fitness/Health / food — 3 Comments
26
Apr 10

Still no nuts

Had our yearly visit with Anna’s allergist, Dr. Leibhaber, a lovely man despite Anna’s protests to the contrary (“I NO like that doctor!”)–though, who can blame her? He has a track record of poking her with things that hurt and itch like crazy.

Anyway. We decided to repeat the pokey itchy test thing* (where several of the suspected/common allergens are scratched/poked/applied onto the back of the victim patient and then you wait to see what happens. Ooh, the suspense.

“At least we know she has a good set of lungs!” the doctor joked, as Anna screamed and kicked to escape, as Adam held her down, as I soothed her, best I could, with kisses and caresses and promises of good things to come. That’s sort of a double joke because, actually–ha ha ha–the asthma thing kind of makes that not exactly true, at least not all the time. Ha ha.

We decided this morning, Adam and I, that as much as we dislike bribery as an everyday parenting event, this was one of those occasions for which a small bribe is not only perfectly acceptable, it is actually probably the only way to make things even remotely ok. So before the appointment we prepped Anna with all that was expected (get weighed, measured, have lungs and heart listened to, have temperature taken, look inside of mouth and ears and, of course, the dreaded “poke on the back”) and then promised a “special treat” of her choice should she comply with these things. This was in anticipation of the behavior displayed the last time we were in the office, where Anna fled from the scale, would not COULD NOT stand up straight to get measured, etc. She screamed, she kicked, she flailed. It was terrible. This time at least the screaming and flailing was reserved for the stuff that actually hurts.

Overall, she did great.

Poor thing, she does have display a “strong allergic reaction” to tree nuts, so we are still avoiding. She has some allergic reaction to some types of grasses as well (evident to us on those days that she plays around outside and it is one of these spring days with wind and sunshine and everything blooming and then the wheezing and the coughing turn her miserable). So. Exactly what we suspected but it is good to know what the plan is, what we need to do (which is, basically, carry on as we have been doing, avoiding all tree nuts, carrying an EpiPen in case of accidental exposure; dose with Benadryl or Allegra as needed).

*Apparently, there are some cases of kids outgrowing nut allergies, though usually not until the age of 5 or 6. There is nothing that can be done, no shots to give, etc, with this kind of allergy because even a small dose of the allergen can send the person who is allergic to nuts into full-blown anaphylaxis. We are waiting and hoping that someday she will get to enjoy pecan pie…..and handfuls of walnuts….and Frangelico….

Cancer / Fitness/Health — 1 Comment
26
Mar 10

Run for your life

I’ve been running. I’m not fast, not fast fast, not at all. But DAMN does it feel good. And I don’t even mean the exercise high that comes afterwards. When I’m really hitting my groove, the thing that I’m yelling (inside my head, because I don’t want to get locked up for being a crazy lunatic who disturbs the peace)–and, by the way, apologies for the language, but this is the truth — is “Fuck You, Cancer!” I don’t just say it, I scream it (in my head). I own it.

I’m broken down, I’m changed and ripped to shreds but I feel like a champion when I’m out running my heart out. I’m thirty-three years old. I had cancer and I am a survivor and I’m running for my life, to prove it to me, that I am here and I am alive and I can do this. My legs are strong, but my will is even stronger.

Uncategorized / every day life — No Comments
15
Mar 10

iPhone, do u phone?

So…I got an iPhone. And now I’m all cool like that, running around texting people and listening to Pandora in my car, and playing with stupid Apps. It rocks. This has seriously upped my hipness factor. Unless…maybe the iPhone is on the way out? It could be. I feel like I’m always the last to know these days. Adam laughs at me for my Facebook “addiction” (no, I’m not admitting it because that would mean I would have to change and I’m not willing to stop posting to the world that I am drinking tea or that my kid just said the cutest thing), claiming that it is so passe. Ha. Just because he’s a tech guy, he thinks he knows it all. Well, he kind of does. He’s already ordered the iPad (and I’ve made the requisite menstruation jokes because I am extremely juvenile, when it comes right down to it).

Also. New Hair News. I can do pigtails. Sort of. Leeetle teensy tiny pigtails, at the base of my skull. Two of them. I am immensely pleased. I would post a picture except I already washed all my makeup off and even though I love you, I don’t love you enough to show you myself in my “going to bed” look (unless your name is Adam Gray, but that only applies to one of you out there and you have already seen this look. And the pigtails because I believe I woke you up early one morning to proclaim my new hair styling ability). I was feeling even better about this yesterday–whoa, amazing! It was like no time at all ago that I was bald! And all of a sudden, my hair is long enough to put holders in it–until I realized that this “all of a sudden” was actually 15 months ago so….yeah, it has actually taken quite some time. Still. Fifteen months ago I looked like this:


My “Baldy McBaldster” Phase (not that anyone called me that to my face but, let’s be honest here, it is an apt description), December 2008. And now I have lots more hair that that.

In other news, my weight is fluctuating like no one’s business. It’s not your business, and yet, somehow, it is, because I am writing about it here, like it or not. I’m not overweight but it is a little bit of a mind-freak to bounce around the scale like this. I’ve gained 15 pounds since I came home from the hospital in January. Which is a lot to gain in a short amount of time (but I was obscenely malnourished after having been on the feeding tubes and TPN). It’s just….weird. I keep fluctuating, in my mind, between “whoa, better get a hold on that before I balloon up” and “life’s short, let’s eat, drink, and be merry!” and the latter attitude, coupled with a needy preschooler, a husband who has been traveling more days than not the last couple of months (to continue for the indefinite future) and….life, it has been difficult to do anything but sit back, relax, and enjoy the ride. It’s hard for us women to not put a lot of stock into our weight though, isn’t it? We’re going on a cruise at the end of next month and part of me is like, I look fine, I look great, no problems here and then I’ll catch a glimpse of my pale and scarred and not flat belly in the bright light of day and think, holy shit, what the hell happened there! Maybe it is time to buy a one piece bathing suit? Nah. I’m wearing this ol’ body of mine as a badge of honor. If you don’t like it, look away. Also, I don’t believe in tanning. Too many suspicious lesions removed to make that sound like a good idea. Maybe I should get one of those spray tans? I tried the do-it-yourself tanning lotion stuff last year and my sister can vouch for the hilarity of those results (can you say “splotchy???” and extremely uneven?). Time for the professionals?

Anyway. I want to be better about exercising regularly. Just like I want to be more organized and tidy but there are too many other things calling my name right now. I guess I could let one of those other balls drop but I like baking all of our bread. I love sitting down with some knitting in my hands. I need to spend time reading every day. I keep thinking that maybe some day in the future I’ll have time for all of this but I realize that something else will come up then. I’ll be on some committee, like the PTA, or I’ll be sewing Anna a costume for a school play or….whatever. That’s life. It gets in the way sometimes. Or, maybe, just maybe, this life is the way that this life is and to hell with the state of my desk drawers. OH, how I vacillate. I think that this is probably one of those classic “find the happy medium” things. Balance? What’s that? My personality is so ALL OR NOTHING that it is ridiculous. I’m glad that I’ve at least acknowledged that now because I know that I spent a fair amount of time despairing over this or that because it wasn’t absolutely perfect with a capital give me a break.

I’m really cutting myself some slack around here. I’ve found it is one of the perks of age and experience. I realized recently that I’m always waiting to just survive this day so that I can get on to the next big thing. Just hanging on until Friday, the weekend, the dinner out, the vacation, the birthday, whatever. You know what? The ultimate thing we’re all headed for? That big end thing? (Yes, the D word–death). THAT. That is the thing we’re all headed towards. And without melodrama or a sense of the macabre, I’m embracing this time I have right here, right now, even if I don’t have the perfect body or the perfect tan or the perfect wardrobe. Is this all there is? Most definitely, and it is perfect. All of it, messy drawers and all.

I’m not giving up–I’m still fighting the battle of keeping a clean refrigerator (one of my character quirks, for those in the know) but I’m trying to not let myself sweat the small stuff. The small stuff is the stuff that most of the fights in our marriage have been about, not anything of consequence, to be honest. And that is not what I want to remember. That is not what I want the here and now to be about. I want the here and now to be about things like today, the perfect stay-at-home mom day, where Anna and I went to the bank and the grocery store and the bluffs and beach at Ellwood and played with friends and ate delicious food and ended the day happy and content with our lot in life.

There are things I want, things that are cool (like my new iPhone) or would even make life easier (like that big kitchen with plenty or storage that I dream about having someday). But here I am, full belly, full heart, happy for what is, for the now, for the moment. You can’t take that with you, but you sure as hell can enjoy it for the now.

P.S. Some business: Still waiting on my tech guy (cough cough *ADAM* cough cough) to help me switch my site over to WordPress so that I can enable comments again. Haloscan (what I used for commenting before) has kicked the bucket so I’m in a holding pattern for the moment. Please feel free to email me or, hey!, FB me. Be my friend. I just might be lurking on your profile anyway so why not?

P.P.S. I knit this sweater. Aren’t I clever? It is wool. Yay! Just in time for the 70-degree weather we’ve been having.


P.P.P.S. Whoa. How did it get to be so late? Good night.