Anna alternately lights up my life and shoves me into a world of frustration and annoyance. I’m practicing my calm breathing and chanting the mantra “I am in control of my emotions” as we enter a new phase in which every rule is questioned and tested. I don’t want to have to be an enforcer, but some things are non-negotiable. Like wearing pants to the grocery store. I don’t care who you are: pants are a must. It’s just not okay to flash your private parts at Trader Joe’s (though, sidenote: weirdest thing! We went to the zoo on Sunday morning and there was this guy there who was TOTALLY cruising around the zoo in a tank top and boxer shorts. TOTALLY not acceptable. V. V. Strange). Though of course it’s okay to enjoy a little naked time in the privacy of one’s own home, the pants on rule is a line in the sand. Also non-negotiable: kicking or hitting Mama or Daddy, sitting on our poor, weak, elderly cat (who, by the way, is now at the point where he cannot eat unassisted. Jack needs to be propped up so that he doesn’t fall over while eating. How sad is that? Also, please don’t yell at me for this, but as sad as it is it’s also…slightly funny to yell, “Sorry, honey, I can’t help you wipe your pee right now, I’m helping the cat eat.” Giggle. Or is that just me?).

New tactic: CALM CALM CALM. And firm, when necessary, though I find that sometimes…it isn’t necessary. Problem is, you kind of have to know, up front, which things are necessary and which things aren’t or else it makes you a pushover parent. Not cool. Any matching of toddler ramped up emotional intensity equals trouble. Hours and hours of screaming, terrible trouble. So: CALM. Calm replies. Quiet answers. Respectful attempts to resolve issues without budging on those things that are necessary. Calm offers of help and/or time alone, when necessary.

I don’t actually think that she’s a terrible kid. I just think that she’s trying to figure out how to get all of herself under control. A big task! This time in her life feels so crucial. I want to get across the right messages. These are the things that I’m trying to be careful to say:

It’s okay to have big feelings, even angry or scared or hurt ones.
It’s not okay to hurt others.
It’s okay to take some time by yourself, if you need it.
It’s more fun to be with you when you aren’t being hurtful in words (“NO! GO AWAY! I NO LIKE YOU HERE!”) or actions (kicking, hitting, biting).
We love you, no matter what.

****
We’ve officially been sick for forever. I’m sick of being sick, sick of being home without my friends and without preschool. I’m ready to get back into the swing of things but I don’t want to be that mom that brings my sick kid around school or playgroup or a friend’s house or whatever. Anna, as of today, was still snotty and coughing and, really, if she were someone else’s kid, I don’t think I’d feel that great having those symptoms near my child. So…stay away we must. It’s just been really….intense at home. Not only is Anna having extreme emotions, she’s also very clingy and needy when not overtly emotionally upset (“Mama, play with me in my room” heard over and over and over like a broken record and YES, of course I do play with her but sometimes a grown woman needs a break from playing with My Little Ponies or reading “Everyone Poops” for the umpteenth time. To do glamorous things like prepare meals and fold laundry).

I know it’s just one of those things, like all other things: a phase. We’ll get through it. But somehow this last week has seemed interminable.

I miss my friends!!!! I miss the routine of getting out and about and in the world!